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Jul. 19th, 2008

writing

(no subject)

I'm so angry. It really IS time to move on and forget about him. Even though it seems like there is still something there, he has moved on quicker than I have. It hurts to see the evidence of it and accept it. How could he? is what I keep thinking. I don't know him anymore.
No matter how hard I try to convince him of the truth, he won't accept it. I basically had to tell him the truth a billion times and ended up making him answer my phone calls to get him to really listen to me. I don't know if it did any good. But it's ok. I know what the truth is; I know what I did or didn't do and that is what is important. I have not gone back on my principles or standards or hurt anyone. I can't say the same for him. Which makes me feel sick to my stomach. Right now, I wish I could just clear off the pain and constant thoughts about this whole ordeal like a white board eraser. I would love to have a clean white surface to write better things on. I would love to not see even a trace of what was left behind. Unfortunately, I am scarred and bitter. I am trying my hardest not to let it affect me, and I am relying on God to help me through and heal. I have to say this for my sake:

It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over.

Jul. 3rd, 2008

writing

Once Again...

Once again I am so utterly surprised and amazed at the gall some people have to spread rumors about me and people important to me. I find it fascinating how months after something has happened or NOT happened, people still talk about it and create an even bigger lie than they started with. I am so tired of hearing things and having rumors get back to me that are completely false and in no way resemble the truth. I don't know who is talking "shit," and I don't know why. The funny thing is, I don't tell anyone ANYTHING, and for this reason too. I don't know how people are spreading rumors because there is never any information to spread. I guess they are bored and really want to mess things up for others so they create massive lies and tell people things I have said, which in reality I have said not a word. And these people call themselves my friends?  I hope not, with everything in me, I do not want people like this to be my friends. I have a higher standard for my friends than that. We don't go blabbing each other's secrets and problems around. We don't make shit up about each other and talk about each other behind our backs. It doesn't happen and I won't stand for it. My policy as a friend is this: I will treat you with the most respect I can give you. I will NOT talk badly about you behind your back and will not make things up about you. I will do everything in my power to help you when you need it. I will never hurt your feelings, and if I do, I will own up to it and ask you for forgiveness.

I ask all of you who consider yourselves my friends, to do the same. I am so hurt by what I have heard and am afraid to find out who is behind it and why. I am scared that the person who's done this is someone I know very well. I am very disheartened and sad because once again, my faith in people has been crushed by the same problem.

I don't know what to think or do anymore. God can take it from here.

Jun. 11th, 2008

writing

chains are gone

So, I am free. The chains really are gone. I can begin living. Enough was enough. God told me this. He told me to TRUST Him, to stop thinking and speaking so negatively and to rely on others. Is the depression gone? If it's not it will be because I'm starting to feel almost normal. I pray to God that I can truly move on from here.

I just wonder, am I that forgettable? I must not think about this disheartening idea because it's something the enemy wants me to think, so that I cannot move on. Jealousy and pain will not be what keeps me here. I refuse. My future is bright. I know it.

I have so much to look forward to this summer:

- Today I'm getting some red put in my hair. :] The brown was nice and it will still be brown, but with a red tint to it.
- Tomorrow night and Friday I will be in Athens for orientation where I will meet my roommate and new friend Jenna.
- June 22, Jason Gray will be coming to my church. He's great! And throughout the summer we will be reaching out to the homeless and less fortunate.
- A possibility of camping next weekend with Jessica.
- and of course starting at UGA in August.

I'm going to paint what I see in my head as my breaking away from my shackles. I think it will turn out pretty well. :]

Jun. 8th, 2008

writing

Run Away!

I know it's been awhile, but I learned some important things recently:

1.) God is inviting me to "dance" with him and I have been idly standing around while his hand is outreached to me.

    How have I been avoiding him? Sleeping and wasting my time. For the past two months, I have been sleeping so incredibly much and spending way too much time online, avoiding my thoughts and time to speak with Him. What I have been doing is staying up very late, 3 or maybe 5 AM just being online and chatting with random people. It was pointless but it made me feel good because I wasn't thinking about what's been going on and what has happened. Talking to different people made me feel a sense of friendship and acceptance that I haven't been feeling at all in reality. So then, I would set my alarm for 9 or 10 and wake up. It never occurred to me that it impossible to wake up and stay awake after that little sleep. I would then go back to sleep and wake up at 12 or 1, sometimes 2 PM. I would sleep my whole day away, and wouldn't mind so much because it felt good and it was the only thing that I could rely on to make me feel that way.

What am I doing to fix it? Friday night I went to bed at 3 AM and woke up at 7:30AM. I stayed up all day long so I could fix my schedule. I was so grumpy all day! Then last night I went to bed 12 AM and woke up at 7:30 again. Success. I had a great day and got to do a bunch of stuff. Right now I am tired as hell but it was worth it. I plan on going to bed in about 20 minutes. I really hope I can keep this up.

2.) I can't help save anyone's life.

    These past couple of weeks I have seen many people with the very same problem. I have tried time and time again to really help them and do something to spark life in them, a glimmer of hope. But alas, it is impossible. If someone is not willing to work on it for themselves, how the hell could I ever help? I have started to say "I can't help you anymore," and "I can't make your decisions for you, it's up to you." It's very hard to say but I have washed my hands of it. It's too much stress over something that is not mine to worry about.

3.) I am locked up in fear and doubt that keeps me from moving on.

    I am SO afraid that my ex is going to call me up again and I will somehow get back into his life or he into mine. Don't get me wrong, I miss him A LOT. I just know it's not what God wanted and I was so hurt in that relationship. I am afraid it will happen again. And of course, I am very lonely. I am not used to not having someone wait on me, someone to tell how my day went to, someone to wrap their arms around me and just be my comfort. I'm not used to it at all. I want that. I find myself in doubt that God might bring me a husband one day that is in love with Him, that will treat me the way I should be treated. When I think of how that might be I feel a warm almost calm peace in me and it makes me yearn for it even more. When I picture how I feel in my mind I picture my arms tethered up in chains or perhaps the enemy's grasp on my arms, while I am trying to push forward and move on. I feel like I can't move on and be FREE until I get rid of my fear and anxiety about this.

So that is that, and now is bed time. Goodnight!



Mar. 28th, 2008

writing

(no subject)

I ended it tonight for good. I don't think that it's hit me yet, but it is no more. We say we will be friends, but will it work? I don't know. But it's over and I feel unsettled. 2 and a half years, gone. But I don't think I will regret it.

Mar. 13th, 2008

Beauty

Come Home

For those of you who haven't gotten the OneRepublic CD yet, I want to briefly talk about one of their songs called "Come Home." I doubt it has any religious undertones or meaning in it, but to me it does, and it's a beautiful song, either way. Just take a look at the lyrics thinking from God's possible point of view:

[Verse 1]
Hello, world, hope you're listening
Forgive me if I`m young or speaking out of turn
But there`s someone that I`ve been missin'
And I think that they could be the better half of me
They`re in the wrong place, tryin' to make it right
And I`m tired of justifying, so I say to you...



[Chorus]
Come home, come home
'Cause I`ve been waiting for ya, for so long, for so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I`ve ever known
So come home

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see, the world ain`t half as bad as they paint it to be
If all the sons, all the daughters, stop to take it in
Hopefully, the hate subsides, and the love can begin

It might start now, or maybe I`m just dreamin' out loud, but until then

[Interlude]
Everything I can`t be, is everything you should be
And that`s why I need you here
Everything i can`t be, is everything you should be
And that`s why I need you here

So hear this now

Every song means something different to each individual. To me, this song speaks like it's from God.
"Come Home, come home to me, you belong with me, I love you, you belong here in my arms."
"I've been waiting so long for you, why won't you just give in and come home."
"There's a fight for you and I want to win; I don't see the worry and doubt, I just see you and me, my love for you is strong and everlasting."
"The world isn't as bad as you may think, if my children would stop and take a look at this wonderful world I've made for them, maybe, just maybe there wouldn't be so much hate in the world"
"So come home to me, stop trying to fight on your own, lean on me, stop trying to be so strong, so come home"

The interlude, I feel is something I'm saying back to Him. "Everything I can't be, is everything you should be, and that's why I need you here."

Whatever this song is really about, I feel that this is the most accurate meaning behind it, at least for me.

Mar. 2nd, 2008

writing

_Space_

This past week was pretty mind-numbing. I can't really remember much but only bits and pieces here and there. It's now Sunday night and I'm looking towards a week without school. I'm happy, but I don't feel like it will be much of a vacation. I have expectations I need to fill, not just from others', but my own too.  I am utterly tired, mostly physically. I am just now getting sore from the workout I did on Friday. I don't get my body. I am also tired emotionally. I just don't know what to think or do or say.

I'm not sure what else to say here. I just feel frustrated, sad, lonely, tired, helpless, hopeful, and regretful. I want to spend all day outside on days like this and take photos, paint, sunbathe...

Nothing more to say.

Feb. 22nd, 2008

lime

The Heart of Cooking

Finally I am done with putting my blog together and posting my first entry. I wish I had more than 100 words to write with, but I will go back later and add on once this assignment is over. I'd like to keep it going. I'm pretty excited. Here's my The Heart of Cooking blog if you'd like to see it.
Let me know what you think.

I got a lot done today. I cleaned early, got some homework and reading done, and got to relax. One thing I didn't do that I was supposed to is work on my paper. I have only two pages left to write, but two pages too many. I may still try to work on it a little tonight, but I won't push myself too hard. I can always finish on Sunday. That way, Monday morning I can take it to the writing center to work out the kinks. This is hopeful and proactive thinking I've got here. I hope it lasts!
As I look back on today, I feel... empty. I feel like it went too quickly and here I am, just as I was this morning... maybe just a little fuller and less tired.

Tomorrow, I may be going on a picnic, which depends on how I feel and the weather, and I will be cooking Miyuk Guk (Seaplant Soup & Salad). I know, most of you are like, "ew sick." But it really is okay. I am surprised that I have been trying all these new recipes lately. Usually I'd say, "no thanks," and pass it. (I will be posting the recipe and pictures on my cooking blog tomorrow night or Sunday.) The only thing I am not ready to adopt into my diet is seafood. Sad to say...because I hear it's pretty damn good. I just can't trust it...yet.

I think Sunday I will be fasting. I'm not sure how long it will last, I still need to ask God again. I feel like going until Wednesday will suffice. We'll see. I'm going to do it the healthy way, drinking plenty of water and juice for
sustinence. I feel the need to really spend time with God because I've been putting Him on the back burner, talking to Him, but not really worshiping or praising Him like I should. I also need to get in The Word as well. It's been too long.

I think that's all I really wanted to say. Hope you all are doing wonderful. :]


Feb. 20th, 2008

writing

Blog about a blog

For my writing class, we have to make a new blog and write three entries about a certain topic/hobby/interest/etc. I am really excited about this, but I am on the fence. I was going to do my blog on cooking OR photography. Cooking would be great because I've started cooking a lot more lately and it's interesting. BUT, it costs money to make two meals in a row each night. Also, my mom scoffed at me when I told her I was going to be doing cooking. Am I out of my mind? Am I really that bad of a cook? The dinner I made last night was really good... If I chose photography, I wouldn't know enough to post anything. Anyone have any ideas? I'm feeling totally overwhelmed.

Feb. 19th, 2008

calligraphy

Toozday

For some reason, I'm not really in much of a writing mood. I'd like to think that I am, but alas, I am not. I feel the need to write though. So I will.

Things have gotten hairy. I might wish I was being literal... but I'm not. It seems whenever one part of my life gets under control and looks good, another part fails miserably. I thought maybe things might change for the better for once. But what do I know? I'm not God. I'm giving it all to God. I have to, I want to, I need to. So there it is. It's in His hands now.

It happened again. I saw DaleAtl2 again. Most if not all don't know who the heck I'm talking about, but let me explain. I have a Youtube account and go on Youtube every day to check out my subscriptions. I have subscribed to this man's channel. He's not exactly the hippest, most entertaining man in the world, but I enjoy his videos. He lives around this area and does a lot of cool videos here and there about events in the Atlanta area. A while ago, we chatted over Myspace and he revealed to me that he works at KSU. I freaked out of course because he is kind of like a mini-celebrity to me. I hadn't seen him at all there until one day a couple months ago. The first time I was waiting for someone to meet me outside of the student center. I looked up and looked over, double take. "oh my god..." I recognized the face. It was DaleATL2. I know what you're thinking, "what a loser." Yeah well to hell with you then. Anyway... that was the very first time I had seen a Youtube celebrity in person. ( I did not go to the SouthTube convention last year.) This guy rubs elbows with Thewinekone and Paperlilies. I was ecstatic. Today, I was coming out of my class that is located in the library, and was paying no attention. Double take, again. He just happened to be walking into the library. I panicked and kept walking to my destination. "Oh my god, he's walking behind me!" I thought that this would be the most opportune time to introduce myself, but I kept going. "Not today, I look really bad, I've got a huge pimple there..." So folks, my cowardice knows no bounds. One day I will meet him! Today just wasn't the day.

I may be going to Romania. Romania? Of all places? Yeah, as a mission trip. If you don't know about the Orthodox church in Romania, it is extremely strict and bent on witchcraft. For example, let's say Lori spreads a dirty rumor about me and I hear about it. I would go to the church's bulletin/post in front of the church and write her name. The next morning, a church official will come out and ring some kind of bell that means there will now be a bad rumor spread around about Lori. Whatever happened to me will happen to her. The people of Romania don't see anything wrong with putting curses on any one who crosses them. It sounds like a scary place to be. It is a poor country with a per capita of about $3,300 and has a lot of children in orphanages. When we go over there, we will be working with these kids, showing them love, acceptance, teaching them confidence and showing them how beautiful and unique they are. We cannot directly do evangelism because it is not allowed and is insulting. So instead, we will be using our hands to show Christ's love. The trip will be 10 days. The time it takes to get over there will be 24 hours. I don't know if I can handle that, but if God really wants me to do this, he will make a way, mentally, emotionally, and monetarily!! I think this would be a great experience and wonderful way to put God's love into the world. I hope He wants me to go.

When I got home from hanging out with Lori tonight, I cooked dinner for my family. Nothing too special, but I really felt like cooking and was looking forward to creating a meal again. Tonight's entrée was "breaded hamburgers." It makes me laugh to think of the super creative name it was given. I would have at least named it something interesting like "Cows in a blanket" or some such nonsense. Anyway, It was pretty good and it took about an hour to get the whole meal done. I used Worcestershire sauce, garlic, egg, and onions, etc. It wasn't just lame hamburgers with breadcrumbs. I also made delicious broccoli that was cooked in cream of chicken. Hmm... is that normal? I'm just glad everyone liked it and it tasted good.

I am sorry if you have put up with my long paragraphs and lasted this long. I think I just needed to express myself a little bit, ya know?

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